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Welcome to "Er...what?" Pottercommunity Sunday. Mar. 12th, 2006 @ 03:48 pm
Pottercommunities that make you go. "Er..what?"

This week, I give you something which is part of the "do me cliques", which in themselves are a bit "err, what?". Do Me James Marsters? Acceptable. Do Me Han Solo? A little retro, but ok. Do Me Count Olaf? Okay, now you're pushing it. Do Me Aslan? For Emperor-Beyond-The-Sea's Sake! You want to shag something that is A)A thinly disguised Jesus representative and B)AN EIGHT FOOT FUCKING LION? Let's think about the logistics of this. Lion cock. Woman's vagina. We're talking some serious tissue damage there. Not to mention the penises of all of the Felis genus have those tiny little hooks that dig in to ensure fertilisation during copulation. You've heard female cats screaming, I assume? Unsurprisingly, that community had been deleted. Not that I have anything against furries, unlike our friends at Umbridgesex.

By comparison, do_me_tom is fairly tame. It contains such things as:

Professor McGonagallxTom Riddle Songfics *shudder*

“Tom… What were you doing with Katherine? I-I saw you.

“Now you know how it feels don’t you Minerva?”

“Know how what feels?”

“You know what I’m talking about. You’re dear sweet Albus.”

A brief grammar lesson:

Your is the possessive. Your socks. Your toad. Your fifteen-inch pickled lion's cock.
You're is a contraction of you are. You're eating my socks. You're hurting my toad. You're not putting that thing anywhere near me.

On the other hand, this is actually quite funny in a slapstick way:

As is this:

"I always figured you were a flaming poof, Potter," Draco finally spat.

Pot. Kettle. Black.

Firstborns, Firstborns, Luverly Firstborns
Bake 'em in a pie.
They make such a luverly noise
As you scoop out their eye.

Crossposted to, you guessed it, __anti_scarhead

COMEDY PLATINUM! Mar. 7th, 2006 @ 05:57 pm

Idiotic Pottercommunity Sunday time is here again. Mar. 5th, 2006 @ 04:52 pm
You know I hate crossovers? Well, I do. And most of all I hate Harry Potter Crossovers. If there was anything I could possibly hate worse than Harry Potters, then I think it would have to be....

Harry Potter/Buffy Crossovers.

They're not even particularly well written.

Well, enough of this now.

Crossposted in a fashion possibly more virulent than pitiful little HN51 to __anti_scarhead

Horrific Pottercommunity Tuesday Double Whammy Week!!!!!!1111eleventyone Feb. 21st, 2006 @ 11:03 pm
Since last Tuesday I was unable to give you a horrific pottercommunity due to circumstances beyond my control, namely the date, and being in an italian restaurant annoying the patrons, I have out of the goodness of my heart or some organ near it, possibly my gall bladder or spleen (which one vents), found you TWO communities.


Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle. Not the most likeable characters in the Potter books, fat, greedy, stupid lackeys, a fine example of just how two-dimensional Rowling loves to write her bad guys (ladies and gentlemen, a few sobs in a bathroom does not equal CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT).

Now imagine them having sex with each other. Or with Draco.

Here, you may need this bucket.


And continuing in my Slytherin vein, here's one with Marcus Flint, the Buck-toothed Slytherin Seeker-before-Draco. Good Lord, that pretty little pointy-faced rich boy gets it in the arse from everyone, doesn't he? Oh yes indeedy.

There's interest now. You owe me your firstborns and your secondborns as well. Either sex will do, although girls are more piquant.

P.S. I'm thinking of moving this to Horrific Pottercommunity Sunday, as that is the day in the week I am most often bored. Any objections, my non-existent readership? *listens, watches tumbleweed roll past* No? Good.

P.P.S. Having utterly failed to find any Harry Potter Livejournal Communities that involved Sirius-Black-in-Dog-Form-Sex, or Remus-Lupin-In-Lupine-Form-Sex, I went to the rest of the internet. Just for you, we have:

Snape, anally invaded by a large black dog he doesn't realise is Black.
The best part is, it disgusts him more than he was anally invaded by Black than by a large Black dog. (Note, "Give a Dog a Bone" seems to be a pretty popular title for this sort of story. I found three, just on google.

...I can't believe I actually typed the words "werewolf cock" into google....)

Lupin, anally invaded by a large black dog he knows perfectly well is Black

and my most favouritest favourite of ALL:

Professor Lupin in Wolf form infects Harry Potter with Lycanthropy through HIS ANUS. REPEATEDLY.

Crossposted to __anti_scarhead

Just Damn Confusing Pottercommunity Tuesday Feb. 7th, 2006 @ 08:26 pm
This week, I'd like to put up one of the only other two communities with Anti-Harry Potter in their interest.

Anti Potterpuffs

In case you don't know, Potterpuffs are when you take Harry Potter characters and draw them in the rather simplistic and striking style of the Powerpuff girls. Whilst on my trawls around Livejournal hunting for sick communities to show to no-one at all, I've run across quite a few people with these Potterpuff Icons/Pictures posted (mostly the one of Sirius dragging Remus around). It's rather a weird trend. Why pick that particular drawing style? I really don't know.

Later on, on an entirely unrelated community I find this:


And I facepalm. Oh how do I facepalm. Mind you, cutest Scarecrow ever.

Meanwhile, my quest for Sirius/Remus wolfiesex to digust you, my non-existent readers with continues...

Crossposted to __anti_scarhead
Other entries
» This week I'm downgrading to WTF Pottercommunity Tuesday.
Welcome to WTF Pottercommunity Tuesday. Communities that make you WTF?

Welcome to Britspeak for Dummies

Welcome to the Thunderdome.

Er, no.

Now, it's not that I have any problem with people wanting to know how to describe an English character (hello Hellsing authors!) in English terminology. That's fine. But for Potterfic? STOP SULLYING MY COUNTRY!

Some of the questions are great though. Here are my answers to a couple.

>How long does it typically take a letter to be delivered in England (by regular post, not by owl post!) I'm thinking from Devon to London.

By Royal Mail? Dude, stick to your owl. Anything up to two weeks if they don't lose it.

>Here we have a term "spitz bath" for a quick wipe down with a washcloth. Is there a similar term in England? On another board someone said their mother called it "a cow's lick," but is that common?

No, in England, we bathe.

>How conservative are the churches over in England? Is the Anglican Church the same as the Church of England. Here in America we have fundamentalist churches, which are very disapproving of supposed "witchcraft" in the Harry Potter books- are there sects of the Anglican church (or other mainline denominations in Great Britain) that might feel the same way?

Let me explain this one by pointing out that Darwin was training for the clergy.

>Right, I've been reading the word "dag" a lot lately. It's used as an insult, but I'm still not sure what it means on a more detailed level. Google failed me, ha.

You're a fucking tard. That's australian. And australian word for what you are, actually.

>Hi, USian here, with a question. I'm working on a fic, and the situation calls for Harry to say that something really sucks, only I don't think that that expression is used in British English, is it? Is there some kind of equivalent? Can be slangy or not, but needs to imply bottom-of-the-barrel badness. Thanks in advance.

He's from Surrey. Try "bloody awful".

These people clearly need me, and therefore, shall not have me. Haha!

Crossposted to __anti_scarhead. Because I rule.
» Guess what day it is.
It's Horrific Potter Community Tuesday

It's Hirsute Tuesday!

Hairy Love

A while ago a friend of mine pointed out that there's a lot of Hagrid bashing in Harry Potter fic. Maybe it's because he's not pretty? Maybe it's because he keeps unusual pets, we don't know, but she didn't like it. However, there are some people out there who take it.. a little too far the other way. These people...these wonderful people. They think that Harry Potter should shag Hagrid more often. They think there needs to be more hairy love.

...Harry could not have imagined he would spend the afternoon like this, being kissed and caressed by one of his closest friends. Soon, they moved to the bed and Hagrid was taking off his own shirt and lay down besides him, leaning on his elbow. Harry’s eyes couldn’t help wandering downwards and saw the bushy forest of hair on Hagrid’s chest. Coarse black hair scattered his arms as well. Harry was overwhelmed by Hagrid’s size. But that feeling slowly melted away as he kissed Harry and pressed his warm torso to Harry’s still clothed top...

Personally, I don't agree.

I'm expecting a firstborn delivery some time soon, people...

Crossposted to __anti_scarhead
» I've been saving this one for you.
Welcome to Horrific Potter Community Tuesday!

This week:


Can't get enough of those badly bleached extras from the LOTR wood elf army? Then why not have both. At the same time?

On the desk?

On the Quidditch field?

Or perhaps decorated like a christmas tree?

More next week unless you promise me your firstborn!

crossposted to __anti_scarhead
» The chickens are restless, so it must be Sick Potter Community Tuesday!
To be honest, I wanted to bring you puppyshipping bestiality, but Livejournal's search function doesn't seem to be Boolean (read:is wank), so instead here's this:


Although the fics in it are fairly eye-melting in themselves, the reason I posted them is because of this.


I typed in bestiality on the LJ search, to discover that a quite reasonable amount of the communities thus returned (11/71..more than 10%) were Harry Potter related. Please feel free to draw your own conclusions.

Crossposted, as usual to __anti_scarhead
» More evidence of cracked-up Potterfic Authors
A friend of mine received this little gem:


I don't think I've laughed as hard all weekend as I have at "fandom obligations". Not even when I made a baby poke itself in the eye. For heaven's sake, it's FANFICTION. You don't take it seriously. I haven't written any hellsing stuff for weeks now, I hope the fanfic police aren't going to start emailing me...!
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